Water Snob

Water, H20, Adam's Ale.

It goes by many names (though most of us say 'water')

My grandpa pronounces it 'WHA-Tur' when ordering from anyone who doesn't look 100% Swedish.

It's an important substance that makes up 70% of the human body. It's important.

However is it completely necessary to only drink certain brands?

Yah, yah... I've heard Smartwater© has electrolytes... but you do realize you're spending twice as much for a couple words thrown on a label? From a marketing standpoint I think it's absolutely brilliant...

From someone who drinks a glass of the occasionally *gasp* tap water... it's a bunch of BS.

Electrolytes do something... if you are a professional athlete, but to that soccer mom who hasn't worked out in 12 years and ate an entire 'family-sized' bags of Doritos while cutting me off on the freeway... it's about as effective as ordering a 2000 calorie meal from McD's and getting a large "Diet Coke".

The entire population in the U.S. is essentially chronically dehydrated... so if it helps to have the words; smart, Fiji, or electrolytes on the label... go for it. But when you sneer at me when I drink a bottle of Aquafina... this article is an ode to your retardedness.

Picture: "WHAT?! This isn't Evian."

Morbid Facination

Ugly Sweaters. The Hipster's new fake glasses.

Tis the season and I absolutely adore it, however I think it's important to remember that some people actually wear these bundles of joy in all seriousness. Do they think that this fashion statement of yesteryear is returning? Or do they know that it's a mocking trend?

This point was brought to my attention when I was attending the comedy club yesterday....

I have never nor will ever claim to be the most graceful of people. I've done my fair share of tripping down stairs and stumbling over my own feet, but last night I realized an important life lesson.

A woman in an over packed comedy club face planted behind me. As many others surrounding me; I jumped up to rescue this poor woman. (Anyone notice that when people stop laughing at you falling and start acting concerned that you have become old ? - Or at least older)

But she springily jumped to her feet and that's when I noticed "The Sweater".

A greying woman in her mid-50s was wearing a sweater that even Bill Crosby wouldn't touch...

And the point was brought to my attention, that when you wear flamboyant clothing and do something stupid it's a lot more memorable then if you were dressed normal. More then one whispered "sweater" was said and when she swaggered in again shame-faced, all heads turned to see "The Sweater" try to inconspicuously take her seat again.

Every. One. Noticed.

I saw her after the show. People came up to express their concern... Minnesota Nice? Or was is a feeble attempt to see such a hideously knit piece of clothing up close...